Funny Cell Phone Answering Machine Messages

January 25, 2019

More Funny Voicemail Greetings

Our previous post on funny voicemail greetings got so much attention, we thought we'd continue the hilarity with even more of your favorite greetings that you can use. Here's the latest batch:

• I have nothing to say to you. So leave a message.
• "Think fast!" *beep*
• Hi, you've reached _____________. Please leave a message after my kid stops (awkward moment of silence) owwwwwwwwwww that hurt!… continuing… after my kid stops hitting me in the back with his hockey stick! BEEP
• Hello, caller. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a short message after the tone. This message will self destruct. BOOM! (not followed by a beep)
• Hey, you have reached my voicemail. You should just hang up and text me because you're an idiot to think I would pick up. BYE!
• Hello. I'm available right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
• The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.
• Hi, this is _____. If you're part of the problem, hang up now. If you're part of the solution, leave a message.
• Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
• We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service…
• The number you have reached, 555-555-5555, has been changed. The new number is 555-555-5555. (Yes, same number.) Please make a note of it.
• Hi. I'm probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
• Hi, this is ______. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
• Hello, this is ________. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?
• This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
• Hello. All of our operators are busy right now, but if you'll leave your name, telephone number, a brief message, and the time you called, we'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you and have a pleasant day.
• Hello, this is _____'s voice. ______ is not here right now leave a message after the beep.
• If you want to know where I am, call a psychic. If you're too lazy to do that just leave me a message.
• Well well well! It's about time you called me, but now I'm not available, so please leave a message at the tone.
• I'm not here right now, so you have two choices. You can:
  A.) Leave a message
  B.) Don't leave a message
  You make the decision. It's in your hands.
• Hello… Hello? I can't hear you right now. Can you try calling me back later? Or just leave a message.
• Hello… Hello… Hello, is anybody there? Well, you may be there but I'm not, so leave a message.
• I figured it was you. That's why I didn't answer but you can leave a message after the beep.
• Hi, this is _______'s cellphone. You know the routine: I say, "Leave a message." I beep. You talk. You hang up. Now let's get on with it and stop wasting time.
• This is not a voice mail; this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think hard about your name and reason for calling. I will then think about calling you back.
• We are presently screening our calls. If you're calling to see if anyone is home so you can rob us while we are away? Please let me introduce you to my friends Smith&Wesson and our lovely pit bull Killer. Everyone else, please leave your message at the beep and we will touch base soon. Semper Fi.
• Hello? (pause) Oh, it's you (sound of phone hanging up) (sound of phone picking back up) You still there? (pause) Jeez. (sound of phone hanging up) (Leave the phone on a table or something)
  (Start Screaming) YEAH IT'S THEM AGAIN! NEVER LEAVES US ALONE!
  BEEP.
• Hello!! If it's you, I'm not available, If it's NOT you, leave A message!
• Road Kill Cafe – you kill 'em, we grill 'em. Leave your order after the beep.
• You know what I hate about voicemail messages? They go on and on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they need to say is "we aren't in, leave a message." That's it. No more. That's why I've decided to keep mine short and simple. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me! Really. I promise.*BEEP*
• Hello, you've reached _____. I couldn't answer because I'm doing something serious. Possibly as serious as a zeppelin pilot having a heart attack over a bacon factory, which is the most serious type of heart attack. Because if that zeppelin crashes into that bacon factory, all of us will be without bacon. And that simply will not do.
• Hi, you've reached _____! I'm not here so leave me a message and I'll get back to you! But be careful of what you say because the government records my calls. *beep*
• Hey, you've reached KQWC rock talk radio, where the rock don't stop. You're on the air!
• Mommy & Daddy can't come to the phone right now. They're all tied up. As soon as they agree to buy me that new bicycle, I'll let them loose and have them call you back. So leave a message after the beep.

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Source: https://ninjanumber.com/more-funny-voicemails/

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