You May Be Grown but You Are Still My Baby

This article is the first in a 3-office series past Kim Abraham, LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW on the growing problem of adult children living at home.

Are y'all one of the millions of frustrated, exhausted parents whose developed child is withal living at home with yous?

Like many in this situation, you might be feeling resentful that your adult son seems to think he'south entitled to meals, laundry, and gas coin when he does aught but sleep and party.

Or you lot might get frustrated and angry when your xx-year-old girl doesn't help around the firm or fifty-fifty take fourth dimension to thank you for what you're doing for her.

When your kids were petty, you probably expected them to live on their own one day. And so why does your child seem incapable of moving out? And how do you handle it when they don't?

Failing to Launch is an Epidemic

So many Empowering Parents readers have written in asking questions most the challenges they confront with their developed child who is still living at home. We've heard from parents whose kids are verbally abusive, disrespectful, and entitled. The parents often inquire, "Wasn't this supposed to end at age 18? Why is he withal acting similar a bearish teenager?"

Often, parents who've counted the days to a child'southward 18th birthday, looking forward to their own freedom, find themselves wondering just when that inaugural will end. Twenty? Twenty–v? Thirty?

Adult kids living at home is called the "failure to launch" problem, and it'south an epidemic these days. Earlier we tin wait at how to assistance an adult child move on toward independence, information technology'due south of import to understand how our society got here in the first place.

Parenting According to the 1970s

In 1974, a quaint piddling prove called Petty House on the Prairie began its run on network television in the U.s.. Information technology followed the life of a family and a immature daughter named Laura, who grew up on the American frontier in the 1800s. The evidence was immensely pop.

Each week, Laura encountered a new situation that offered opportunities for her to learn almost life, develop values and morals, and accept responsibility.

Oftentimes, she had conflicts with the local bully, a mean girl named Nellie. Laura experienced heartache—she roughshod in love with a boy who didn't dear her back. And, Laura's family struggled just to survive. A pair of new shoes and a piece of chalk for school were luxuries to be celebrated.

Laura always respected her parents. And, most importantly, each child had an of import purpose and a function in the family. Laura helped her female parent intendance for the younger children. Laura'south older sister was the seamstress. And everyone pitched in to help with the farm and animals.

At this time, no law required children to nourish school, and school was considered a luxury and a privilege. Laura did her homework nightly because she wanted to learn, and because information technology was expected.

Throughout the show, Laura's parents allowed her to feel struggles. As a effect, Laura learned how to overcome arduousness on her ain. Laura learned how to handle hateful girls without getting her parents involved. "Work it out," was the message Laura received consistently from her parents.

Parenting According to the 1980s and 1990s

Fast forward to the 1980s and 1990s. Many of today's parents grew upwards during this time. A movie chosen Parenthood was popular. It was a film about the joys, anxieties, and ups and downs of parenthood. Information technology was also a picture show that subtly showed how society had begun to change its views regarding the roles of parents and children.

I of the characters, Larry, is an adult child who has returned to his parents' abode. He returns with thousands of dollars in gambling debt and a pocket-sized kid to enhance. Larry is offended when his male parent suggests he go a regular task, with no potential for a quick payoff and riches. "I'm better than that," Larry says.

The finish of the film shows Larry'southward father, a man in his sixties, putting off retirement and so that he can pay off his son's debts and raise his new grandchild that Larry has neglected and left with him. Meanwhile, Larry embarks on another fruitless get–rich–quick scheme.

In the movie, Larry was never forced to have responsibility for his mistakes. Every bit a result, he never learned from his mistakes either. Larry's father, in one scene, describes his view of parenthood to another of his sons: "Information technology's non like information technology all ends when your kid is eighteen or twenty–one or forty–one or threescore–one. It never ends."

This theme wasn't just part of a movie. It was a reflection of how times were starting to change in our gild. Larry was 33 years old, and his father still believed it was his job to fix his son's mistakes.

The 2000s: Failure to Launch

The parenting movie of the 2000s was a romantic one-act called Failure to Launch. The movie depicts the life of a man in his thirties who is the modern version of Peter Pan—he never grows up. He has no idea how to commit to a real human relationship and is perfectly comfortable living with his parents. His parents are not at all pleased with the arrangement, though.

To help their son, the parents hire a beautiful woman who makes her living doing guess what? Building a man's self–confidence by creating a crisis that he can successfully resolve, thus gaining the skills he needs to make it on his own.

Her task is to aid grown men accomplish what they never did in adolescence or early on adulthood, which is to alive independently. Over again, our society's view of family life is depicted through the media and shows us finally reaping what we've been sowing—the long–term results of doing too much for our children, rather than letting them do for themselves.

While the movie is funny and has a happy catastrophe, in real–life, at that place'south cipher funny nearly your adult child living in your habitation because they're unable or unwilling to live on their own.

Life Lessons Lost

Think back to when you were a child. If you lot grew up a generation ago, you probably played exterior until the street lights came on. All the adults in the neighborhood had the authority to reprimand you, and you truly cared if yous heard the words, "I'thou going to accept to tell your parents virtually your behavior."

In those days, if you experienced conflict with other kids and complained to your parents, you heard something like, "Well, piece of work it out." And that's what you lot did—y'all learned how to resolve disharmonize.

You as well learned that life isn't always off-white, and information technology isn't e'er comfortable. You learned to bargain with anger and anxiety. Often, yous were disappointed and frustrated. And sometimes you were bored. Nevertheless, you learned to cope and survive these emotions, as painful as they were.

And yous also learned about natural consequences. If you lot didn't practice your homework, you lot likely failed, because that's a event of not completing your work. Some kids passed to the next grade. Some kids didn't.

You had chores, and you didn't necessarily get an allowance. You couldn't look to grow upward so you could brand your own rules and have your ain place. Living with your parent'southward rules fabricated you lot uncomfortable enough that you wanted to get out someday.

Every mean solar day of your babyhood and boyhood took you a stride closer to having the skills you lot needed to do just that—leave dwelling house. Childhood and adolescence were a time of gradually gaining independence and then you could one day live every bit a productive, contained developed.

Today's Generation — No One Can Be Uncomfortable

Since the 1990s, we've seen a nail in technology: smartphones, computers, gaming, and social media. It's a whole new world, one that doesn't require much imagination. There'southward no need to invent games at present, just turn on the Xbox. Instant gratification has taken on a whole new meaning. There's no reason to exist uncomfortable in today's world. And there's no reason to be bored.

As we've go more comfortable with technology, our club has besides shifted to the extreme of simply non wanting to exist uncomfortable at all. And we've passed that on to our children. Many of the states want our children to have better lives than nosotros had, fifty-fifty if we had it pretty good. We hate to see our kids suffer.

If y'all inquire whatever parent, their wish for their kid is almost always for them to be happy. Unfortunately, we spend too much of our time trying to make that happen for our kids. We involve them in activities. We become involved in their academics. If our child gets a teacher he doesn't like, what'southward our starting time instinct? Call the school and go his room changed.

We even become involved in their peer relationships. Indeed, many parents today will not hesitate to telephone call the school if a child has a disharmonize with a peer. Sometimes this is warranted, especially in a bullying situation. But many times, it'south parents stepping in to solve a problem better left to their kid.

These things tin be helpful in moderation. And an involved parent is mostly a good thing. But as a society, nosotros've gone to the extreme. And the increasing number of adult children living at dwelling house is the consequence.

We've Become the Caretakers of Our Kids

Over time, our kids stopped learning to solve problems for themselves. They stopped learning how to entertain themselves. And they await to adults to fix things for them. Parents may help their kids out of honey and with the best of intentions, only over time we've gone from caring for our children, to caretaking.

Caretaking is anything we practise for our children that they can exercise for themselves. It ways fixing or solving a problem for your child rather than didactics or showing him how to exercise so himself. Caretaking means doing your child's homework for him so he won't fail. Information technology might mean cleaning your child's room considering it's easier, and it will be washed correct if we do information technology.

While caring for our children is a skillful, positive thing, understand that when it becomes caretaking, it stunts your kid'south growth. Skills he could have learned equally a young kid or boyish become delayed into his twenties or thirties. Or maybe never.

Kids Who Haven't Struggled Aren't Prepared for Adulthood

Today, young adults struggle to find their way—both emotionally and financially. They've entered adulthood ill-equipped to cope with thwarting. If they get turned down for a job, they surrender. They oasis't learned persistence, and they haven't learned to deal with adversity. They can't manage the day–to–day responsibilities and inevitable conflicts of a marriage.

Many young adults in today'south generation tend to accept unreasonable expectations for employers. They wonder what their employer is going to do for them rather than the other fashion around. And they take little tolerance for the needs of others when those needs conflict with their ain. They believe they're entitled to material things even if they can't afford them.

Sadly, during childhood and adolescence, the primary coping skill many kids accept learned is to go to their parents when there's a problem. Only when they enter adulthood and mom or dad isn't there to set things, they don't know what to do. They come up dorsum to the one coping skill they've learned—ask mom and dad for help. Or worse, insist that mom and dad are obligated to help them.

Many of these kids remain at habitation, on the couch, playing video games. Their parents stride in and pay rent and utilities, buy their food, and pay their insurance. This caretaking can keep into their twenties, thirties, and even longer.

Add substance abuse to the mix, and the caretaking fashion we go into shifts into high gear. No matter what age our kid may be, nosotros experience driven to save them from the risks of drinking or using drugs.

We knew a 99–twelvemonth–erstwhile adult female whose son continued to alive with her until he was 67 years old. At the age of 96, she was out mowing her lawn while her son sat on the couch. He was her babe, and he remained so forever.

Expert Intentions Don't Ever Go Adept Results

Many of the questions nosotros get from parents mention the struggles of dealing with adult children who exhibit oppositional defiant characteristics, abuse substances, or display a basic resistance to growing up. These parents are not alone.

Information technology'south helpful to realize that this is a reflection of how our gild has gone to the extreme of caretaking for others, not just our children just even for our spouses or other loved ones.

Although caretaking behavior is borne out of love, an unhealthy caretaking cycle can develop. The child experiences stress, and the parent intervenes, fixing or resolving the state of affairs. The child learns to wait outside himself for coping skills, in the form of the parent. And so the cycle goes on into adulthood.

The key to breaking this wheel is to help your child with internal coping skills. Help your kid foster a sense of self–confidence. And let your kid experience discomfort for himself and then that he learns he can be uncomfortable and even so survive.

In our adjacent commodity in this series, we'll look at how to overcome the challenges of helping launch your adult child into the existent earth—without having to rent an actress to help you!

Failure to Launch, Office 2: How Adult Children Work the "Parent System"

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Source: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/failure-to-launch-part-1-why-so-many-adult-kids-still-live-with-their-parents/

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